Being a mother
The uncomfortable truth
Motherhood II
The moment I saw the vacancy for an English teacher in Dolpo, I was messaging asking anything and everything I needed to know, cause this was Dolpo and I had to go. The talk was over, and as I closed my laptop, I looked at my son playing and I knew — I would not go.
I finally understood what people had been telling me all along, the boundless love that you feel for your child, the connection you feel with your child, all the things they told me about being a mother.
But then, it took me two years to get there.
For some women or maybe many women, the moment when they hold their baby in their hands is the most ecstatic moment of their entire life. The moment that completes them.
But it wasn’t for me. It did feel amazing that I, of all the people, had had a child, and it felt good to hold him in my arms, but that was it. I didn’t feel glitters and sparkles all over.
And I felt bad and guilty for not feeling that way.
As time passed two month, four months, six months, I kept waiting for that feeling to magically pop up, cause here I was with my child 24/7 nursing him, caring about him and my life basically revolved all around him.
My child was supposed to be my life, my everything now, and here I was thinking about my travel, my career, my freedom, my life, me. I felt like the most selfish person on the planet. I felt like the worst mom ever.
And then of course, the husband of mine, well didn’t he really want this child too, so how come his life just smoothly glides by while mine has come to a complete standstill. How come my career has taken a nosedive, while his is exponentially growing? How come while I am confined to the four walls of a room, he is out there, jumping from one base camp to another? I was at a point where I felt all this was so unfair.
And so like most of us, in times of such distress, I resorted to our very trusted friend Google. I searched if there was anything about being confused about motherhood.
And lo and behold! There were so many articles and videos, where women had opened up and shared honestly about the ‘truth’ about motherhood. And the comments section that followed where women stated how they were going through the same.
And then, I was not alone, suddenly, I was not a selfish person, I was not a bad mother, I was not a unrealistically jealous wife, I was just as normal as any other confused mother and there were hundreds of them out there, just like me.
That, that changed everything for me. All the guilt, all the heaviness, all the burden that I had carried within myself for so long, I could finally let go.
Cause the truth is that when a child is born, it is not just the birth of a child, but the birth of a mother as well. It’s like a rebirth for us, and when something new is born, you do have to shed what was, and women need to be given time and space for this. To let go of themselves, of what they have been all along. All that we are, all that we have ever been, all that we have ever known how to be, all that changes in an instant. And it is so so so very confusing. It is incomprehensible.
And at that this juncture in their life, the last thing they need is people trying to hush them down, ‘telling them it’s okay.’ People who are afraid to listen to the truth, afraid of the storm unfurling from within her. And so they silence her and she learns to silence herself as well, from the outside world. But then the storm gets too tumultuous inside her, some seethe with it, some learn to soothe it.
But the truth is, it she should not be left to face that storm all by herself. It is at this time that new mothers needed to be surrounded by understanding, loving, nurturing hearts and souls that will help them build themselves and flourish as mothers.
I now see how important, how essential, how imperative it is for new moms to be given that space, where they can freely share all that they are feeling and going through honestly — without feeling judged, without being looked down upon as pathetic, without feeling like you are committing some unspeakable sin.
Cause motherhood of all things should not be considered a duty that you have to adhere to, with strict rules and guidelines that need to be followed.
How important it is not to shove the mandates of motherhood down a new mother’s throat, but to let her feel all that she feels, and be all that she truly is.
I have now come to realize that there are those like me, for whom, motherhood does not leap out of us the moment we become mothers. For some of us, it’s a step by step, moment to moment, day to day path that unravels before you.
For me it was when my son started smiling his radiant radiant smile, when he started speaking his first words, and the many many words that followed, and then the sentences and never ending chatter, the conversations we had — first thing we woke up in the morning and before we both dozed off, the moment he would bring a story book and say, mamaa aaja yo story bhanney hai, and mostly when he would bring his tiny little hands to my face while half asleep and search for my unattended chin hair and say mamaa dari dari, we created a bond like no other with each other.
I could just put him in my lap or sleep next to him and look at him and feel complete contentment, I could watch him from a distance and feel love, a love that I didn’t know I was capable of, this overpowering love that I feel for him. And then I finally understood. It was SUNSHINE, SUNSHINE!!!
When I made that choice not to go, it wasn’t filled with regret or remorse or a sense of loss this time. I just knew this is what I wholeheartedly WANTED to do. It was as simple as that.
I now know that this is an ever flowing translucent journey between a mother and a child where we each give the other time, space, patience and love to fully grow into our roles.
It is a journey that we take, where as we watch and take care of our children grow, our children teach us how to grow with them as well. They teach us how to become mothers, they let us fall and they pick us back up again, telling us each time, it’s okay, I got your back, we can do this together, we have each other and we will do this together, take this journey together. You and me, we’ve got each other….
P.S. So, please be that person for a new mother. All a new mom is looking for is someone who will listen to her, to hold her hand, to hug her. She is not looking for your words of wisdom, or you sympathy or some heroic deed from you. She just needs you to sit by her side and listen. That is all you need to do LISTEN. That is enough.
